13th November, 2009 - Headless Men Have No Bladder Control

I was in at Ralph Slaters in Glasgow today buying a new suit for work. (It seems that even my lesure time these days is devoted to work-related activities).

I took my Significant Other and the Small Round-Faced People with me. I thought that it would be quality family time for us all. Personally, I can't imagine a more fun activity for developing young minds than hanging around in a gentleman's outfitters for an hour while their dad gets his inside leg measured repeatedly.

However, I was appalled to overhear a conversation between my Significant Other and SRFP#2. SRFP#2 spotted a tailor's dummy and asked: "Why does that man have no head?" To which my Significant Other (an educationalist mark you) replied: "Because he wet his pants."

SRFP#2 looked horrified at the dummy; clung tightly to his mother and said desperately: "I have dry pants."

12th November, 2009 - Real Men Don't Wear Sequins

I afraid I have been listing on e-bay again.This evening I have been selling (a) a red sequined cockney style hat, and (b) a gold coloured hula skirt.

I know. I know. You are thinking that these were two impulse buys that a pudgy man in his forties should have resisted. You are thinking that these are not accessories which a straight-laced professional is not going to look good in at the monthly rotary meeting. You are thinking red sequins are not right for my colouring.

You would be right about all these things. That is why these items are on eBay.

11th November, 2009 - Shameless Plug

My theatre company - Practical Magic - is hosting a quiz night on Friday 30th of Apil 2010 at the St Brides Chapel Hall in Bothwell. The doors will be open from 7.30pm with a view to start promptly at 7.45pm.

The entry fee is £5 per person (remember it is a fundraiser!) and we're looking for teams of 4. Come along in a group or on your own and we can slot you into a team with other people. It will be a great night of friendly competition, cheap drink and a great way of helping out to make this years Fringe happen.

There will also be a raffle with prizes including free tickets to some of Scotland's leading visitor attractions, an artists painting of Bono and an Ipod Shuffle.

Give me a shout if you fancy coming along.

10th November, 2009 - eBay Habit

I am developing an eBay habit.

It started out gently enough. A bit of experimentation really. All the big boys were doing it and it seemed kind of - well - cool. So, I had a look in the loft, and there were one or two bits and bobs that I wasn't using them. And I kind of dipped my toe in the water.

I listed something.

It was a Scalextric set. It was unopened. I think I got it for my 30th birthday (and in spite of my youthful good looks that, alas, wasn't yesterday). I've never used it. So, I thought it might be something that would sell. It seemed safe enough. What harm could one sale do?

So I listed it.

It felt good.

It felt real.

It felt right.

But soon, I found myself checking the bids. Regularly. Several times an hour regularly. Late at night regularly. I felt like Alan Sugar - with my little Scalextric sales empire. "You're fired" I would sometimes yell at my bemused 2 year old as I paced my little office watching the minutes tick away towards the end of the auction.

And oh... The sweet sweet hit when it sold. The endorphin surge. I was hooked. I have been listing ever since.

9th November, 2009

I mentioned yesterday that I am just back from Crieff with a bunch of my mates. As expected, my Significant Other has bombarded me with questions like: "What's the gossip?" and "What did you talk about?"

This, of course, completely misses the point. We get away largely to ensure that we don't have to get involved in gossip, and so that we don't have to talk about anything (at least anything emotional - cars, football, gadgets and the relative merits of the Girls of FHM are permitted topics of conversation, as long as it doesn't get too heavy).

We are men. We are proud. We are strong.

8th November, 2009 - Crieff

I have just returned from our annual pilgrimage to Crieff. I go there with a group of mates every year. Once, when we were young, we stayed up all night drinking and debating important issues, like religion, women and ambtion.

These days we are older. The days of hot debates seem to be behind us now. It appears that what we like to do nowadays is read the paper, watch the football and discuss the best technique for making a cheese omelette.

7th November, 2009 - Little Plays About The Law #1

Dramatis Personae


GLYL - Good-looking Young Lawyer. Very handsome. Looks like a young Brad Pitt, only more intellectual.

CCO - Call Centre Operative(from a large lending institution)


WE ARE IN THE OFFICE OF THE GLYL. HE IS ON THE PHONE. HE HAS BEEN ON HOLD FOR SOME HOURS. SUDDENLY HE GETS THROUGH.

GLYL Hello. This is Mr Lawyer. I’m phoning about my clients the Smiths. Their mortgage account number is YP87654. Their transaction is due to settle today and I haven’t received their loan funds yet.

CCO Could I have your name please?

GLYL I just told you that. Mr Lawyer.

CCO And your clients’ name?

GLYL I told you that as well. Smith.

CCO And the mortgage account number?

GLYL (SHORT PAUSE. HINT OF EXASPERATED SIGH) YP87654.

CCO And for security could you tell me the answer to your secret question: “What is my favourite type of meat pie?”

GLYL Lancashire Hotpot.

CCO Excellent. How can I help you?

GLYL When are the loan funds going to be transferred. They were supposed to be here yesterday.

CCO I’ll just check the system.

(THERE IS AN INTERLUDE OF 22 MINUTES WHILST VIVALDI’S FOUR SEASONS PLAYED ON KAZOO SOOTHES THE HYL)

CCO I’m afraid we haven’t received a request for the funds.

GLYL That can’t be right. I faxed it to you 4 times. To all the numbers your colleague gave me including the one to your Top Secret Loan Bunker.

CCO Did you mark it with the secret symbol?

GLYL Yes.

CCO Well. We haven’t got it.

GLYL (EXASPERATED) But you acknowledged it last Tuesday.

CCO Not according to the system.

GLYL But I have a letter from you here on my file.

CCO Are you calling me a liar? Because, these calls are recorded so we can sue you for bullying.