Entry for May 24, 2007

My joiner has a Porsche.
He showed up at my door yesterday, ostensibly to thank me for dropping in payment for a job he had done for me. However, given that he lives four doors along from me, I question whether it was necessary for him to drive down, and park his split new Porsche Carrera directly opposite my door.
I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt - perhaps he was off out after his unnecessary visit to me. However, my suspicions about his motives were confirmed when, approximately 15 seconds into the conversation, he said "Do you like my new Porsche Carrera, it's a beauty isn't it? Your penis is absolutely tiny whereas mine is enormous and satisfying for a lady.". OK - he may not actually have said the last sentence. That might just have been subtext but I cannot be sure. Murderous feelings of envious rage are prone to confuse me. However, I am fairly certain that, as he drove off, he was smoking a big cigar made out of one of the ten pound notes I had given him in payment, and singing "I'm smoking your tenner/ I'm smoking your tenner/ That's how rich I am/ Look at me in my Porsche/ Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!"
I will get my revenge though. I am going to buy a scabby white van and bring the class of the estate right down. I will ensure there is a crappy lawyers' slogan on it like "If you don't like our principles, we can change them!!!".
I will park my van outside my joiners' door, and ensure that my jeans are slung at an angle whereby the cleft of my buttocks shows as I climb in and out of it on my way to work. With a bit of luck, I will drive the tradespeople (and their supercars) away to a gated community in Giffnock, leaving me and my fellow professionals happy with our rusting Vauxhall Vectras, our houses gradually falling into a state of disrepair.
Tickets for the East Kilbride production of Sketchy! which I'm directing are still available. Sketchy! by Gillian E. McLean is a fast-paced sketch show for kids of Primary School Age.
East Kilbride Arts Centre; 9th & 10th June 3pm 01355 261000
St Andrew’s in the Square, Glasgow; 15th July 2pm 0870 013 5464
Smirnoff Underbelly, Edinburgh Fringe; 15th August 10.35am 0870 745 3083
Lanark Memorial Hall; 18th August 1pm 01555 665383
Lochside Theatre, Castle Douglas; 25th August 2.30pm 01556 504506
Please call individual venues for prices and bookings