Entry for March 06, 2007

Today was notable because a black lady fiddled with my testicles.
For a moment there I considered stopping the post at that point. However, I feel I should elaborate. The lady concerned was a doctor. At least she said she was. For all I know, she may be posing as one for kicks. Although it would be an odd woman indeed who got any kick out of me with my legs akimbo in a paper gown, but who knows. Anyway, I assume she was a doctor, and the occasion was my medical examination.
I am a firm believer in having a medical exam every couple of years. We seem to be happy to pay a few hundred poinds every year to get our cars service, but for some reason we don't seem to be so keen to part with our mullah to have ourselves checked over. Silly really - I read an article that said after cutting down on smoking and keeping your weight in check, having a regular check up is the single best thing you can do to improve your life expectancy. I am a poker player, and I like those numbers.
Anyway, the results of the medical were -
1. I am fat. (I could have told them this before going.)
2. I don't eat enough fruit and vegetable. (I was told rather firmly that Walnut Whips are not a vegetable - you could have blown me down with a feather.)
3. I have particularly prominent vessels on my left testicle. (I am actually rather proud of that one.)
4. I have a heart murmur. But this is nothing to worry about. ("NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT? A HEART MURMUR!!! I'M GOING TO DIE. I AM NOT YET FORTY. I MUST START A VIDEO DIARY AT ONCE FOR THE CHILDREN.")