Entry for December 19, 2006

I saw my mate Kev in the Horseshoe in Glasgow (a great great pub - if you don't know it, acquaint yourself with it immediately).
Kev is a freelance production manager now, and he lives an interesting kind of rock and roll life, working backstage on shows. His stories are generally more interesting than mine. There's only so long you can keep the room enthralled with your tales of the hysterical typo you found in a Power of Attorney.
Kev swears the following story is true.
His pal is working in a panto where the gimmic is that, instead of a pantomime horse, they are using a live Shetland pony on stage. Quite why the director imagined that the pantomime horse could be bettered escapes me. Is there anyone who can resist a little titter at two grown men in a big cloth suit pawing the ground and doing a little jig? I think not. Even as you read this, you're thinking about the smiley grin of Dobbin, and the way he nods and shakes his head in response to questions from the principal boy. To say nothing of the obligatory heel clicking dance, without which no child will return from the pantomime truly satisfied.
Anyway, some namby pamby theatre-schooled director thought you could improve on perfection and brought in the Shetland pony. Kev's mate was crewing the show. (And I appreciate that this is where the veracity of the story comes into question - stories from friends of friends are notoriously the stuff of urban legends - particularly when the chain involves anyone involved in the professional theatre where the phrase "coked out your tits" does not have anything to do with strip poker and soft drinks).
So - and honestly it's true - Kev's pal is standing in the wings with the pony and a group of young actors when he notices that the pony - the male pony (this will become important) - is becoming, well, aroused. A number of the children point and make enquiries. Kev's pal tells them to move away from the pony.
At any event, the pony is clearly finding something on stage very erotic and after as few minutes pases the point of no return and climaxes spectacularly (and apparently copiously) stage left. I mean I enjoyed the Snow Patrol gig, but clearly the SECC panto may have even more to offer.
The pony's pleasure clearly presents some unforeseen health and safety issues, and an argument amongst the stage crew erupts about exactly where the lines of demarcation lie in relation to what is clearly going to be an unpleasant task.
I am told that the phrase "Ah'm no cleanin up any donkey spunk" was used.
Whilst the debate went on, one of the principal dancers ran offstage and most regrettably for her, but happily for this anecdote, had what has to be considered a rather nasty slipping accident.
Just goes to show, you shouldn't mess with tradition. That sort of thing doesn't happen with proper pantomime horses. They are of course hermaphrodites.