Entry for 3rd August, 2008

I have bought and read Paul McKenna's "I Can Make You Thin!". I was waddling through Borders bookstore, idly munching a black pudding supper, when I noticed the balding hypnotist smiling at me from the cover. The title seemed to be speaking directly to corpulent, post-Christmas me.
"Look into my eyes fatty," Paul seemed to be saying from the cover. "Look - you are worthless, but I - The Great Mysterious One - hold The Secret. Buy this book and learn how you can walk the streets without being sniggered at by people better looking than you."
Of course, I snatched it up and headed straight up to the check out. Then, i took it to MacDonaldsd and read the whole thing at one sitting, whilst happily scoffing four McFlurries and a vanilla shake.
Snakeoil!
He wraps it up in some mumbo jumbo. But it comes down to the same old thing. Eat a bit less. Move about a bit more.
I knew that! I wanted something new. Like "Eat as much as you want, but listen to my hypnotic CD and don't put on any weight."
Apparently that's too much for fatties like me to hope for. Apparently we need to exercise self-discipline and restraint. Ha! I would not be auditioning for Chanel 4s "Gok Kwan Patronises Gutbuckets" if these were wualities I possessed in abundance.
Come on Paul McKenna. If you're reading this I want you to work some proper magic. Paul Daniels could make the pounds fall off me I bet, whilst maintianing a steady stream of pre-watershed witty banter from beneath his rather obvious wig.